If Tiger and Elin were my clients...

I have tried and tried to refrain from giving my two cents about the future of Tiger and Elin Woods' marriage. However, yesterday I began thinking - what if they were a couple coming to see me for marriage counseling? How would I approach the issues that have come to light so far.

I don't know all of the details, but from what I understand there's been some infidelity. Lots of it with a variety of women. If this couple came into my office, there would be a few things I would want to know and have the couple understand before the real work begins.

1. What is their marital contract? For some couples infidelity is not an option. For others, it's accepted as long as the person(s) going outside the marriage is discreet. It is not my job to define what is acceptable in a marriage, just to understand what agreements were broken.

2. What is it that each person wants for this relationship? What is the vision they have for this relationship and is it realistic?

3. On a 0-10 scale, what is the level of motivation each partner has for (re)creating a healthy marriage? It may have never been a healthy relationship. Maybe it was and they fell off track at some point. Either way, are they willing to put in the work (and it will be a lot of work) to make a healthy marriage? The divorce lawyer should not be on speed dial.

4. I've heard the label "sex addict" applied. I would not be so quick to attach that label as it can create a sense of "What do you want from me? I can't help it." as a cop-out. Unless it's been previously diagnosed, a full assessment should be performed before using that as a reason for the infidelity. It should also be noted that there is still debate in the mental health community as to whether or not it is an actual addiction. So I would want to understand the person's definition of his/her addiction.

5. Because they are who they are, we would also have to take into account their fame and how that affects (magnifies) everything. It's not right or wrong, it just is. The same would be true, although on a much smaller scale, for any other couple. If word gets out in your community, and people are talking, there will probably be additional feelings of shame or embarrassment on top of all of the feelings associated with the infidelity. 

6. Both partners need to understand that it will be a long process to repairing the relationship. "I'm sorry. I promise not to do it again" does not work here. Marriage counseling is not a magic pill that works after a few sessions. If both are truly committed to repairing the relationship, they have to turn inward, focus on the marriage and prepare for a bumpy ride.

Now the real work begins.

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