Relationship Success

Date Night is So Cliché

2010-08-16T10:10:00.017-04:00

In just about every magazine article you read about rekindling your relationship, a regular date night is among the top suggestions. Date night, date night, date night. We see it so much, that it almost seems cliché. Here's the thing - a cliché is a cliché because it stands the test of time. A regular date night works for several reasons. Two of them are:

1 - It puts your relationship at the top of the priority list.

2 - It gives you and your spouse a break from the "stuff" of daily life.

So many things compete for your time and attention - work, kids, friends, family, work, community commitments, the next episode of True Blood, work, your Blackberry (or iPhone), kids, Twitter, Facebook, NFL pre-season. Did I mention work and your children?

With all of that, you have to work at making sure your relationship doesn't get lost in the crowd. Date night is just one of many ways to do that. A lunch-time date works too. So take out your smartphones, open the calendar and carve out some time for you and your sweetie.

Natasha's Pick: Take Back Your Marriage

2010-08-09T17:00:00.000-04:00

Another therapist suggested this book to me, and I am so glad he did (Thanks, Jeff!). I've since added it to my library of suggested books for couples who come to me for counseling. Take Back Your Marriage by William (Bill) Doherty, PhD is for the couple who is ready to but their marriage back in the #1 spot. He discusses all of the things couples let take priority over their marriage - work, children, community obligations, just to name a few. He even discusses how therapists who are not pro-marriage can negatively affect the course of treatment. He then outlines things you and your spouse can do to do just what the title states - take back your marriage.

I must confess, I've been a Bill Doherty fan for a while. I'm an even a bigger fan after reading this book. I agree with his outlook on marital therapy and believe that taking a pro-marriage stance is a great way to work with couples in distress. I also really dig the site that he and his daughter Elizabeth created, www.thefirstdance.com - for couples wanting to manage the relationship stress of wedding planning.

Okay, okay, back to the book. I think it's full of helpful and useful information for the couple in need. As with any self-help book, it only works if you do the work and stick with it. Otherwise, it becomes just another thing you "tried that didn't work".

If you feel your marriage is slipping from its top spot in your life, pick up a copy of this book. Your marriage is worth the investment.

Interfaith Marriage and the Clintons

2010-08-02T11:12:00.000-04:00

The news of Chelsea Clinton's wedding has been everywhere. I wish her and Marc Mezvinsky a happy, healthy marriage. I've read a few articles discussing the fact that theirs is an interfaith marriage - Chelsea is Methodist and Marc is Conservative Jewish.

Photo by Genevieve de Manio

Opinions on interfaith marriages vary greatly, especially when the discussion turns to children. If the couple hasn't discussed it privately and shared their plans with the families, it can turn very ugly very quickly.

It is my hope that Marc and Chelsea (and all other couples who got married this weekend) spent time planning their marriage. A big part of that is discussing the importance of each person's faith and how they plan to incorporate it into their new life.

When it comes to faith, couples have to consider holidays, important rites of passage, what to teach the children, and practicing one's own faith while supporting the other in their practice, just to name a few. I always say to couples...there is no right or wrong, you just have to decide what's right for you. Both partners have to be open and honest. They should take the time to discuss this very important aspect of life. It's a conversation that, hopefully, continues over the course of the marriage as a person's relationship with their faith can change over time. At the very least, it should be discussed before the wedding. That is what the engagement period is for. Isn't it?

To the newleyweds - Mazel tov! and Congratulations!

Consulting ≠ Control

2010-07-27T07:52:00.001-04:00

Why is it that people confuse consulting their partner with that person wanting to control their lives?

When you enter into a relationship, you have to be prepared to consult your partner on both major and minor decisions. It's no longer only about you, your wants and your needs. You now have to consider another person when making decisions about major purchases, accepting a dinner invitation for both of you, going for a girls’/guys’ night or weekend. Somehow, this is regularly equated with "having to ask permission" which leads to unnecessary anger and arguments under the banner of “I’m a grown man/woman! You don’t tell me what to do. I don’t need your permission to spend MY hard earned money.” Blah. Blah. Blah.

Too many folks, especially those who get married for the first time later in life (and by later, I mean after 30) make this mistake. Having spent over a decade designing a life just the way you want it, here comes this person messing it all up.

I get that it’s a major adjustment going from “me” to “we”. It takes a little time to change the way you relate to the world. But it’s no longer just about you. And if you want to send the message that your partner is an important part of your life, just ask one simple question before making decisions that affect you both – “does that work for you, honey?”

What's Your Marriage Mission Statement?

2010-05-12T15:17:00.008-04:00

Almost every organization has a mission statement. In that short statement you can get a sense of their core values, purpose and goals. It serves as a guide for every member of the organization as they make decisions for and act on its behalf. Below are the mission statements of a few well-known orgs.

Google: to organize the world's information and make it universally accessible and useful.
Nike: to bring inspiration and innovation to every athlete* in the world.
American Heart Association: Building healthier lives, free of cardiovascular diseases and stroke.

From those very short statements I know, without a doubt, what Google, Nike and AHA are all about. Now you might ask - "What does this have to do with my marriage?" EVERYTHING!

Have you and your spouse discussed what your core values, purpose and goals are as a couple? This is a critical part of setting a solid foundation for a healthy marriage. Most folks have a sense of what their individual values, purpose and goals are. And yes, those play a significant part in deciding what your mission is as a couple. However, the mission of the pair might not be the sum of the two individual missions.

This is no easy task. Nor is it set in stone. It can and should change. Revisit your mission statement regularly. Know what it is and be able to recite it. It's the statement that will guide you when making decisions on behalf of the the marriage - it's kind of important if you ask me.

And if you have children, you should also consider doing a Family Mission Statement. Include them in the process. It's one more way to strengthen the family and provide stability for the little ones.

So over the next few days, talk it over with your spouse. Figure out what your core values, purpose and goals are as a couple. Then put it all together in one sentence. And if you'd like to share, please do. Just add your mission statement to the comments section. Maybe another couple can learn and gain inspiration from you.

**Company mission statements snagged from: google.com, nikebiz.com and americanheart.org. Thank you :)

Opening of The Marriage Academy

2010-04-22T08:50:00.000-04:00

I'm happy to announce the "opening" of the Marriage Academy. The Marriage Academy is a program I started with the sole purpose of healing and enhancing marriages in the Triangle. Offerings will include classes and workshops centered around various aspects of married life.

The first class offering is Intro to Marriage. This class designed for seriously dating, engaged and newlywed couples to help set a solid foundation for married life. Fee includes an online relationship assessment, 20 individualized coaching session with me via Skype, and a marriage resource guide. The class is held over 2 consecutive Saturdays (June 5th & 12th) 9am-12:30pm

Classes for married couples will begin later in the summer. Get more info about future classes or to register for Intro to Marriage go to http://www.marriageacademy.net/

Staying Up-To-Date on Your Mate

2010-03-29T19:47:00.000-04:00

It's easy to stay up-to-date on the latest trends in fashion, music, politics and business. You can read it in any magazine, see it on TV or online. There's a reason our favorite Twitter list is titled Trending Topics. And every time I turn on my laptop, it checks for updates. Things change. People change. Your spouse has changed; and so have you. Especially if you've been together for over 10 years and have added children to the equation.

While the essence of your spouse is the same (my personal opinion), the things that stress him out, relieves said stress, gets her "in the mood", or idea of a good time may have changed. If you met when you were 25 and are now approaching 40, you should know what the updates are. It's been 15 years. Think about it. A good time back in 1995 might have been bar-hopping with 20 of your closest friends. Today it might be a small dinner party with good wine and maybe 6 other folks. Besides, there's nothing cute about bar-hopping at 40.

Have you checked for updates recently? Do you know if there's a new favorite flower, music preference, leisure activity or position? Do you know the reason behind the change in mood or weight. Did you notice the new (or renewed) interest in religious practice?

Surely something has changed. Be genuinely curious. There's always something new to learn. You may even discover new ways to support your spouse and enhance your relationship. Isn't that what Love, Honor and Cherish is all about?

Why Sexting is Good For Your Relationship

2010-03-17T10:24:00.000-04:00

According to the source of all knowledge (Wikipedia), sexting is "the act of sending sexually explicit messages or photos, primarily between mobile phones". Then it goes on to talk, almost exclusively, about teen sexting. After a quick Google search of the term, the first page mostly references teens or infidelity.

What's up with that? I say sexting is a great communication tool for adults in long-term, committed, monogamous relationships. Sending a quick text that says "Can't w8 til u get home" says so much without saying much. If you want to be a bit more erotic in your text or send a pic/video, go for it!

Sending an unsolicited sext message to your partner accomplishes several things:
1 - Let's your partner know that you're thinking about him. This is especially nice if one of you travels a lot for work.
2 - Let's your partner know you still desire her. Doesn't matter if you've been together 2 years or 35 years, your partner still wants to feel wanted.
3 - Provides an opportunity to be intimate with your partner in a different way.
4 - Maintains or enhances your emotional bond while you're physically apart.

All of that from one little text! It takes less than a minute to send. You can do it just about anywhere and be discreet. If texting is part of your cellphone plan, there's no extra cost to you. What the heck are you waiting for?

**NOTE - There's an inherent element of trust that goes along with sending suggestive or erotic texts and pics. They're for your eyes only. So make sure if others have easy access to your phone (kids, assistant, friends, etc.) that you both regularly delete your messages.

Do You Have Mentors?

2010-03-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

Last week, I had the pleasure of speaking at Ignite Raleigh 2. It was an evening full of great presentations and we had a fantastic audience. The topic of my presentation was "Using the Principles of Career Advancement to Enhance Your Intimate Relationships". Over the next few weeks, I'll be expanding on the ideas mentioned in that presentation. The first transferrable tool I discussed was that of developing a relationship with a mentor couple.

If you're climbing the corporate ladder or are an entrepreneur, chances are you have a mentor. This is someone who is where you want to be and has been where you are. Your mentor can be either within the company or in your industry. He/she has wisdom and chooses to share it with you to better navigate the highs and lows of your career or business.

A mentor couple does the exact same thing. They are a couple in your family, religious community or neighborhood. They've been married significantly longer than you. They're where you want to be and have been where you are. They don't have a "perfect relationship", but it's pretty damn good. They've had their highs and lows as a couple and know how to navigate the lows to come out on the other side stronger. They have wisdom and are willing to share it with you and your spouse.

Think of all the couples you know. Whose marriage do you look up to? Who can you learn from? Engage them in the same way you would your business mentor. Trust me when I say they will be more than willing to talk about themselves and how they've made their marriage work. After all, it's a huge compliment and ego boost to hear "we think you're doing an excellent job in your marriage; can you share some of your secrets with us?"
No need to worry about "airing your dirty laundry". You can share as much or as little as you want. Think of it as a learning opportunity - just one more way to add success tools to your "marriage toolbox."

BTW - You can watch the entire recorded stream of Ignite Raleigh here. The start of my presentation is at 1:26:00.

What if divorce was not an option?

2010-02-24T09:31:00.000-05:00

In the Kansas State House, legislators recently approved a bill that would include the option for couples to enter a covenant marriage. This category of marriage is designed to make it more difficult for couples to divorce and requires premarital counseling. This would be the fourth state (after Louisiana, Arkansas and Arizona) to have the covenant marriage option.

It makes me wonder, how would you approach your marriage differently if divorce was not an option? (with the exception of couple violence)

When doing premarital counseling I always ask the couple, when is divorce an option. It's interesting to see the reaction of one partner when the other says "I don't want it to be an option." The look on their face screams "What you talking 'bout Willis?" It's as if planning to stay married forever is a revolutionary idea. It results in them having lots of conversations in the next week about marital expectations, finding a mentor couple who have made it through really tough stuff, and finding new ways to approach their relationship - which I LOVE. This is especially true of couples where one or both are children of divorce.

Divorce has been normalized in our society and is an option if things aren't working. No-fault divorces are available in 49 states - all except New York. It's definitely not an easy option, but knowing that divorce is a possibility has an effect on how you think about your relationship problems and their solutions.

So I ask: If divorce is not an option, how does that change things?

Don't Hate. Celebrate!! (My Thoughts on Valentine's Day)

2010-02-13T19:17:00.001-05:00

Over the past few days I've read quite a few tweets, blogs, and news articles debating whether or not V-Day should be celebrated. The main argument against is that V-day is nothing more than a made-up, "Hallmark Holiday". Another is that you shouldn't have to set a day aside to express love to your partner - everyday is Valentine's Day... Right.

I say celebrate! Celebrate whether you're in an intimate relationship or not. Yes, it's a day for lovers. But it's also a day for LOVE. How many people in your life have you not taken the time out to say "I love you"? Use V-day as that day. Send an e-card. Send a real card. Make a phone call. If you are part of a couple, definitely take tomorrow (or the entire weekend) to focus on your sweetie. But don't forget about the other really important people in your life.

Valentine's Day is celebrated around the world and has been for centuries. It's a part of our culture and is not going anywhere. So embrace it. Your celebration can be really small or an extravaganza. It can be with you & your sweetie, you & the kids, a short visit to grandpa, or a singles party. How you celebrate is up to you, but please DO celebrate. Besides, it's just wrong to hate on love.

The "Better Relationship" Resolution

2010-01-08T12:54:00.002-05:00

Right before the new year, I saw a tweet on a fellow therapist's (Dr. Michelle Gannon) Twitter page that read "50% of people report that their New Year's Resolution is to spend more time with family and friends". That's a lot of people. Are you one of them? If so, just like any other resolution you need a plan to be successful.

First, you need to decide what "more time" means. Does it mean daily, weekly, monthly or 1-2 times this year? Is this face-to-face, talking via Skype, phone calls, emails, text messages? Exactly which family members/friends do you want to spend more time and energy connecting with? For example, you might talk to your mom every other day, but because of distance, not have seen her for 2 years. Or maybe you haven't talked to a good friend in a few months.

Once those questions are answered, then it's time to take action. Let the people you want more time with know. This will accomplish two things -
1. They will be pleased as punch that you care about them enough to include them on the list of valued relationships.
2. It'll hold you accountable to making it happen. Chances are you'll be less flaky if someone is taking you at your word.

Next, put the plans in your calendar. If you're at all like me, if it's not written down, it doesn't happen. So write it down. Who cares if the phone call or coffee date is not spontaneous? You won't forget. The other person will likely reciprocate. Your relationships will get nurtured. You will have made good on your resolution.

Sound simple? That's because it is.

What is your marriage teaching your child(ren) about relationships?

2009-12-18T23:17:00.000-05:00

As a part of my premarital counseling program, one of the things we talk about is each partner’s expectations for marriage. Most times these expectations stem from what each person saw in their home growing up. I’m a big believer in “monkey see, monkey do”. What your children see in your marriage is what they consider normal. Chances are, this is what they will emulate in their marriage. After all, it’s normal.

Think about the type of marriage you want your daughter/son to have. Take a moment and really think about it. Visualize your children as married adults. What does their marriage look like? How happy are they? Do they enjoy their spouses company? Do they go on vacation together? How do they nurture their relationship daily? Do they laugh together? Do they fight fair? Are they the envy of all other couples in the neighborhood? (Notice no mention of a house, car or any other stuff)

If you love your children as much as I assume, the image you created is an example of an amazing marriage. It’s a marriage full of love, joy, cooperation, patience, kindness, passion and fidelity. The type of relationship you imagine for your children is the type of marriage you should have right now. Are you teaching by example?

If Tiger and Elin were my clients...

2009-12-09T10:59:00.000-05:00

I have tried and tried to refrain from giving my two cents about the future of Tiger and Elin Woods' marriage. However, yesterday I began thinking - what if they were a couple coming to see me for marriage counseling? How would I approach the issues that have come to light so far.

I don't know all of the details, but from what I understand there's been some infidelity. Lots of it with a variety of women. If this couple came into my office, there would be a few things I would want to know and have the couple understand before the real work begins.

1. What is their marital contract? For some couples infidelity is not an option. For others, it's accepted as long as the person(s) going outside the marriage is discreet. It is not my job to define what is acceptable in a marriage, just to understand what agreements were broken.

2. What is it that each person wants for this relationship? What is the vision they have for this relationship and is it realistic?

3. On a 0-10 scale, what is the level of motivation each partner has for (re)creating a healthy marriage? It may have never been a healthy relationship. Maybe it was and they fell off track at some point. Either way, are they willing to put in the work (and it will be a lot of work) to make a healthy marriage? The divorce lawyer should not be on speed dial.

4. I've heard the label "sex addict" applied. I would not be so quick to attach that label as it can create a sense of "What do you want from me? I can't help it." as a cop-out. Unless it's been previously diagnosed, a full assessment should be performed before using that as a reason for the infidelity. It should also be noted that there is still debate in the mental health community as to whether or not it is an actual addiction. So I would want to understand the person's definition of his/her addiction.

5. Because they are who they are, we would also have to take into account their fame and how that affects (magnifies) everything. It's not right or wrong, it just is. The same would be true, although on a much smaller scale, for any other couple. If word gets out in your community, and people are talking, there will probably be additional feelings of shame or embarrassment on top of all of the feelings associated with the infidelity.

6. Both partners need to understand that it will be a long process to repairing the relationship. "I'm sorry. I promise not to do it again" does not work here. Marriage counseling is not a magic pill that works after a few sessions. If both are truly committed to repairing the relationship, they have to turn inward, focus on the marriage and prepare for a bumpy ride.

Now the real work begins.